FAO Dr Bob Pintle Senior Lecturer in Professional Creativity, Peterborough University and also dedicated to Dr Andrew Taylor, who did not inspire the poem
Dear Robert, The Board regrets to inform several colleagues, including you, that your recent sabbatical applications will not go forward, after review. The panel felt that ‘Write some poems I haven’t yet written, so it’s absurd to say much else’ lacked requisite rigour. We do ask for ‘No more than 2000 words’ but suitable answers require something close. We advise you attend our ‘Winning Support for Sabbaticals Workshop’, when places are open. There are none at present. We’ll advertise more when we secure funding. To raise an objection, write to your Sub-Dean of Sub-Research. State your grounds for appeal, in accordance with Guideline 11 6 2 (Staff Handbook, page 8). Ensure your 4* REF Output Agreement and book contract are both attached to the email, with endorsements from two Student Reps and your Mentor, and a piece of your heart. Should your first appeal fail, we invite fresh applications each year, though from March 2020, all will be screened for written support from Lead Industry Partners linked to our Strategy Goals. We are keen to support your research. We value team players and wish you every success going forward. Lastly, I’m pleased, on a personal note, to congratulate you on your Teaching Award (Bronze). Our Faculty Press Team will take your photo: the Board has selected you for our new poster ad, so congratulations! Yours, Dr Jim Jones, Pro-Vice-Chancellor
Re: Re: Application
FAO Dr Jim Jones Pro-Vice-Chancellor (Humanities), Peterborough University and also dedicated to Dr Andrew Taylor, who did not inspire the poem
Hi Jim, Bob pecks, then deletes. Dear Jim, Oh YES! I’ll write with that! Those sabbaticals: who got them? And have those colleagues had thirteen precious years on what you term ‘the front line’? Anyway, Cheers! When I find time, I’ll thank you in a poem, and place it in the fucking TLS. I see you proclaim in your email signature line you’re ‘often abroad and send out-of-hours emails, but rarely expect instant replies to them.’ Well, Jim, tonight I marked till 10pm: Rhetoric essays. I’d give your email a Fail, you shite-backfilled and heaving cliché-mine. On a personal note, how are the kids, you knob? See much of them? Does Nanny wipe their arses? And what are the call girls like out in Guangdong? He sighs. Holds backspace till all his work is gone. The cursor blinks along with his catharsis, and he stabs Dear Jim, That’s excellent! Thanks. Bob.